Melancholy: Time

September 23, 2011

Neglected doesn’t even come close to what I have done, or not done, to this blog.  To catch up – I got married, then I got pregnant, then we had an amazing daughter and then we bought a house.  Not bad for two years of neglect.  I should also say Adam changed jobs in there as well.  We like to lump all of our major life changes together.  That’s how we roll.

 Our daughter Nora just turned one a couple of weeks ago.  It’s incredible how time works.  The first three months were pure bliss for me.  Floating through maternity leave, enjoying the Fall weather and the smell of new baby.  The next three months seemed to go by much slower.  Maybe being back amongst the working had something to do with it.  It seemed like she would always be on her tummy, crawling away and then BAM!  She’s standing, then cruising and then full on walking and then she’s asking you for the keys to your car so she can go out Friday night. 

Babyhood flies by faster than you think.  The beginning kind of lulls you into small changes.  She rolled over!  She grabbed something!  She smiled!  You think, I’m enjoying this and suddenly you find yourself trying to figure out which new car seat to get since she’s too tall for her pumpkin seat and pondering the pros and cons of buying Stride Rite’s since she hasn’t developed an arch yet but is already running a 5k every morning before you leave for work.

I guess what I’m saying is that the speed at which things have gone is amazing to me.  There’s this phenomenon I’ve noticed, and I’m sure you have too; as you get older time goes by faster, like our own relativity scale increases.  High school took an eternity and college flew by.  I blinked and grad school was over.  I need to learn to savor the moment, to be “present”. This has always been difficult for me.  I have wonderful memories but I want to have wonderful, truly actualized experiences, snapshots at least.  Maybe I need to take up yoga or meditation or see a counselor about slowing down and lessening anxiety/stress/real life.  I don’t want to be absent in this amazing life I am fortunate enough to lead.  I want to enjoy every single second.  Ok, well maybe not every single second but where it counts.  I guess this is the lament of so many people, with or without children.  (Look at me trying to lump you all in with me so I look normal.  I’m tricky that way.)  But truly, real life makes you dizzy and rushed and unable to have the luxury of experience.  If one of you figures out the secret to this let me know.  I’d like in on it.


My loves.



January 2, 2009

We are finally moved into our new place. Thank the lord! It took three days and innumerable trips up and down three flights of steps – by Adam and my dad. I was spared the three day stairclimber workout.

There are boxes crowding our dining room and the need to decorate RIGHT NOW is barely being subdued. So much wall space and table tops that need adornment. That will obviously have to wait until we’re settled and the stuff we need, like trash cans and phones, have been purchased.

The couch I bought a year ago broke, again. It was so not worth the $500. As soon as we can replace it, it is gone.

The new place has an intercom system which is super fun to play with, “Adam, can you please report to the first floor for high stuff grabbing.” or, my favorite, “Yeah, I’d like a cheeseburger, ketchup only and onion rings.” It will NEVER get old. Never I tell you.

We’re still trying to figure out the heating. It is alternately too hot and then too cold and there are five gajillion heat registers. It’s like a symphony, trying to figure out which vents to close and which to allow to do their job. Vents and light switches. We’ll get it figured out.

It’s wonderful to be moved into a place that is ours. We get to build experiences here, ones that we both share in. We get to start our married lives here and create an aesthetic that is ours. Moving during the Holidays not so much fun but starting the New Year off in a new place – pretty perfect in all of its implications.


December 30, 2008

We just returned from visiting Adam’s family in Florida. They are really just amazing. They have made me feel welcome and part of the family. Just amazing, amazing people. Our visit was short since we had to come back to moving to our new place. So many big things all converging at once. We have two days of hard work to get through but it will be wonderful once it’s done.

The pups come back today and I’m so excited to see them. Adam’s family has a little Shelty named Wendy and she is the cutest thing. I got to love on her and pet her and get kisses. They had to check and make sure I didn’t try to smuggle her on the plane with me.

Lazy Friday

December 19, 2008

Today is Adam’s 35th birthday.  I took the day off to pack – how exciting!  Poor guy.  Well, no packing has occurred just yet but oh well.  We’re out of trash bags and I need to get packing tape.  I’m hopeful that the packing won’t take too long but that’s what you always think and things turn out very differently.  It’s helpful that he has moved very little to St. Louis so it’s primarily all my crap that has to be moved.  I’m trying to break my pack rat ways but it’s a slow process.

As usual, moving into a new place has come with the usual promises of keeping it tidy and smelling wonderful ALL OF THE TIME!  That usually only lasts a couple of months but I’m hopeful.  Having two dogs, two large dogs, makes constant vigilance a necessity.  Although we become accustomed to eau de chien it’s a sad reality that no one else does.  I see many plug-ins or candles in my future.  Boy that makes it sound like my apartment smells horrible but help me out dog owners, you know what I mean, right?!?!?!?

Anyway, the kitchen is the last to be packed and I’m still hoping to make Christmas breakfast although I don’t know if that will happen exactly the way I’m thinking it should.  My mantra: It’ll get done.

I think of all the times I’ve moved and I’m sure I frustrated my parents in college and grad school.  Both times I was not finished packing by the time they come up to move me out.  Stuffing clothes and various papers into random boxes and bags so we could get out of Dodge. *shakes head*  Oh the frustration they must have felt.  This time I’m hoping to do better.

I’ll get it done.   I’ll get it done.  I’ll get it done.  I swear.


March 27, 2008

Today has been stressful.  I had a study go south and a late night.  These were all distractors from the big event of the day: signing divorce papers.  It is bittersweet for sure.  I am so thankful that we can be amicable to one another and that the atmosphere is mostly like old friends.  So many emotions surround it I won’t even try to explain.

So, stomach flu, er visit, notary problems, study failure and signing papers – I’ve had a week.  It will be over soon and I have a fantastic weekend planned.  I get to see my family and hangout with friends.   

Everyday Life

March 12, 2008

Unfortunately we have had a death in the family.  It makes you reflect and all of those things that you think about I am sure are universal.  I however will go through one specific thought here.

You are thrown into the present and are thankful for all that you have.  You realize the day to day is no longer the same and yet time goes on.  It makes one realize the importance of the everyday.  It seems so usual, something to get through to arrive at the big plans, the goals, but life is made up of the everyday.  The bulk of it is work, dinner, groceries, tv, socializing.  How you choose to perceive and live in it is the most important thing to consider.  You have to make it happy, joyful, wonderful.  Appreciate the simplicity, revel in the usual.  Life is too short to race through waiting for the punctuations, enjoy the sentences, enjoy the nouns the verbs the participles – they are what make the whole. 

Right now I am trying to hold onto this urgency and not let its lessons be lost on me.  My life is mine and I am happy.  I have a tomorrow and how amazing is that?  I truly am fortunate.  I have a wonderful family and amazing friends and I will strive to remember my good fortune everyday.  I will try and remember and make choices that bring the present into focus and give joy to the mundane.  Breathe it in.

Lots and lots have been going on in these parts so I have not been writing.  I just simply want to say that I am getting a divorce.  Nothing scandalous happened and Gerry is a wonderful person.  It’s hard and painful and I really don’t want to discuss it on my blog.  The only reason I mention it is because it’s the elephant in the room and I feel better getting it out there and moving on.  Okay?  Okay.  Let’s talk about something else.

I recently got my hair trimmed and although I know it will eventually grow into something I can manage its current state is a puzzle to me.  The hairdresser can make it look hella cute when she blows it dry but put a blow dryer and a round brush in my hands and I look like a Pat Benatar (SP?) groupie circa 1984.  Hit me with your best shot.  Ahhh well.  I think there will be adjustments made the next time I get it trimmed.  Communication is the essence of many things not least of which is a haircut that makes you happy.  The weird thing about my hair is that its almost back to its natural color.  Oh my – dark blond.  I’m considering highlights.

Edit: I should clarify that my hair issues are not the fault of my stylist.  She’s awesome.  It’s my fault for not being more communicative.